Ashes to Ashes

What is it about the underdog story? The story of the gal who rose from the ashes and put her life back together. Or the guy who recovered from addiction and 7 years later is now happily married, stable, and has his second kid on the way. What about these stories resonates so much with me. 

Why is it now that I’ve risen from my comparative ashes that I now feel pseudo invincible. Not in the sense I’ve adopted some risky lifestyle or behavior where I’m on the edge and always looking for my next plane to jump out of or mountain to climb. 

I’m taking risks in relationships. I’m pushing boundaries where I would’ve gone with the flow.

I relate to these stories as I feel as if I have risen from my own ashes. I do not think on the imperial scale my low is the lowest of all lows. However, on the relative scale I do think my low was as low as I’ve been. Now I have the opportunity to rise. I get to be resurrected from the ashes and push forward.

I now get to decide when the pushing stops. I deci whether or not I am going to face the next challenge. I may not always choose or create the challenge. I will decide whether or not I’m going to step up to the plate or take an excuse. 

What excuse are you taking instead of stepping up for the next challenge? 

Pushing,

–JT

Speaking Well

The issue with finding my voice is, I have to never forget what it is like to not have a voice. To constantly fight to be heard. I have to remember to give a voice to those who do not forwardly speak out. Generally, not always, but generally, I think most people are more comfortable with speaking up on their own behalf more than I am. However, I have decided to choose myself, as I have spoken about before. I have to remember there are others who need to be chosen, who have not chosen themselves.

Obviously, I have not always chosen myself. In the times I was not choosing myself to speak and not choosing to have value, the situation I could best speak my mind is when I was chosen. When someone else saw my quietness and called it out. Someone else noticed my lack of contribution and asked me to add to the conversation. And I would add to the conversation, if I had anything to say. 

Through this process of being chosen. I came to notice a very striking pattern, I was never allowed to fully speak my mind in my turn. Usually, I would be cut off before I was done. I would land enough of a thought that someone else would choose to butt in and say their piece about whatever I was saying. They did not have to work hard to butt in either. I have a habit of leaving space in my speaking. 

Space. 

Room.

Thinking.

Breathing.

I put these things into my natural cadence of speaking. I put these things into my cadence for myself, my audience, and artistic nuance. There is no reason to always spew as many words as possible out as quickly as possible to share them with people so that they can be bombarded by you and your thoughts. 

Other people do not speak so that you can have time to think of what you are going to say next. As a matter of fact, you should be listening to what people are saying. 

Ahem, YOU should be LISTENING to what OTHER PEOPLE are SAYING.

Stop.

Think about this last statement for a minute. (I actually mean a whole minute. Take 60 seconds, set a timer on your phone or your watch. Think about what it means to actively listen to the person on the other end of phone, the couch, the coffee table, or the conference room. Do you actually listen? Or are you simply composing your next thought and preparing for your turn to talk?)

Go ahead, I’ll gladly wait.

…

Did you see anything about yourself? Did you notice anything?

When other people are talking are you preparing your turn to talk or are you actually listening? 

What if after someone finished speaking, you took a minute to think about what they said every time they finished?

What if you did not bothering thinking about what you think or feel about what someone else is saying and instead focused so intently on what they were saying you actually drew out of them more than what they were saying? 

Then, when they are done speaking their piece, you thought about what you had to say.

During the silence.

During the moment when you sit there staring at each other while you think, and they think about what they just said. 

How would your life be different if the person across from you is more important that what you are going to say next?

Silently,

–JT

Choosing Me

Recently, I had the opportunity to get out of town with my wife and really just get away. Just an overnight trip nothing too elaborate; but, definitely a gem in the month of January, so quickly after the holidays. During this trip I found myself speaking out. Pointing out issues to store clerks, a little more aggressive in my ability to pick out issues in conversations with strangers, and generally more apt to fight for a little more than what I was being given. I wasn’t being mean. I wasn’t being rude. I wasn’t obnoxious, annoying, or demeaning. I was genuinely pointing out what I saw, asking for help when I needed it, and using my voice.

It

Was

Awesome.

If you’ve never tried it, you should! 

As we were heading home and talking about our trip together, my wife pointed out these differences in me. She appreciated the difference, especially as my outspokenness was not a combative maneuvers towards her during an “intense moment of fellowship.”

I reflected reflected on the difference, pondered, chuckled, and said, “I decided to choose me.” 

Choosing me resonates deep within my core. Especially right now. I am in a place where I am meeting adversity. In the face of adversity, I am still going to choose me. Previously, I would have just laid down and given up. I would have kept quiet. I would have been taken what I was given. This time I to chose me and I am not going to give up. I am not going to choose me because I am better or have a marginal superiority. I am going to choose me because I was chosen first. 

How often do you choose you?

Choosing

–JT

Waiting Game

Where do my own ambitions end and trusting others begin? Fine line for me. Right now, I too strongly want to move forward and roll over some people. I want to grab the bull by the horns and probably get myself in quite a bit of trouble to get where I want. 

I just see how many other people do exactly that and have little to no repercussions. I do not understand how I can make the same moves they would make with the same motives and be so much farther behind. This only adds credence to the conceptualization of everyone’s personalities being incredibly diverse. My proof here comes from the observation of people who naturally steam roll others do not mean to. These people aren’t malicious and they care deeply for others, usually. However, they do tend to just run people over for the accomplishment of their own goals. 

I’m stuck in a struggle where I want to move forward with my goals. I do not see a way to do that without running some people over. It has become a bit more difficult for me to be patient and wait. I have plenty to do in the waiting. I just long to move forward as well. 

I am right in waiting. I will continue to wait. I can see the areas in my life where I didn’t wait, what I have done to myself and what I have done to others. I simply have a hard time waiting when I decide on the next course of action.

How do you do with patience?

Waiting,

–JT

Being Me

“Everything in moderation, even moderation” –Oscar Wilde

Good quote. It is especially weighty when put into the context of team and identity. The greater good of the team, community, group, or collective is always superior to the need of the one. This truth must be taken in moderation. This truth is empirical so long as I don’t completely sacrifice myself to ‘better’ the team. the best analogy I can come up with is snow. 

Snow is made up of trillions upon trillions of tiny snowflakes. These flakes all work together to become a beautiful, serene, blanket of white fluffy powder. I especially like snow when it is in the mountains and not on the roads. All of these flakes work together to not be individual snowflakes, but instead a mound of snow to ski on, snowboard, sled, snowmen, snowballs, and car accidents. It is the collective power of snowflakes working together to become this powerful snow that can take lives or insulate the winter wheat. Snowflakes must work together. However, never does one snowflake have to give up the beautiful ornate design it has to be a part of the collective. The design of this flake is never placed at a higher importance than the group, however, it is still existent from the moment it forms as a frosty snowflake to the moment it melts into a puddle. The flake has a purpose and identity that is necessary for the collective’s success. 

I have a purpose and an identity that is necessary for my team’s success. I had given up my identity, buried it in a bucket somewhere, shoved it in a closet, and ignored it. However, it was waiting for me. 

I’ve been cleaning out my closets. Emptying my buckets. Now I am who I am and I am going to be me, unapologetically. 

For the sake of the team, 

My friends, 

My family,

And everyone I get to be with.

How much of your identity have you given up for those you love? Have you given up too much or too little?

Being me,

–JT

All Things to All People

Last post I talked about my natural skill of analyzation and how I am working to not substitute my ability to analyze for being faithful. However, it is so dang hard not to try and help everyone through analyzing. I want to analyze everything. Collect all the information, make decisions, help others make decisions, and be right about all of it. It is so hard to stop myself. I just get so much joy from it all. 

It makes sense to do something I get energy and joy from. I have a hard time keeping it to a tame level. Staying out of business I don’t belong in. Though, I have to remember how I got to where I was. I did not land there by actively making decisions from an unhealthy motive. I was making unhealthy decisions about myself and others because of a long series of unhealthy decisions I made.

The irony, I landed in an unhealthy place because I made too many unhealthy decisions originally based on healthy motives.

I made the decision, the minute assumption, my ability to analyze was necessary for all people to use. Not only my ability to analyze; but, me analyzing. I with a capital E-Y-E, — I — decided, — I — had to analyze for everyone else and fill in all the gaps. For the good of everyone else — I — took on more than I should have and buried myself in tasks and details which were unhealthy for me to be buried in.

Now I am in a place where I see my mistake, misaligned assumption. I see the lie I bought into. I am making moves to not be buried in those details and bonded to this lie. 

What small lie are you buying into?

In Truth,

–JT

Decentralization

When I am in a situation where I need to make a decision I use my ability to analyze to substitute where my faith should be and I do this based on fear. I am afraid of the outcome; therefore, I restructure my process so that I am at the center gathering information and analyzing everything going on around me until I have a solid grasp on what my next step should be. 

This process is moderately logical as I everything together, assemble all of the information and move forward. However, it starts to break down when I reach the pressure point where I am not the center of the universe. I might like to think I am; however, I am not. I am only a small part of the much larger picture I get to be a part of. Re-centering my life so that I am truly relying on the conversation of trust and freedom written into the scriptures I live by. This means I have to stop collecting and analyzing everything. I will run out of memory and explode. I must start taking my time and remembering what is important to remember and analyze. Then I will not be frustrated with all of the things that are out of place. There are many things in life out of place. It is not my job to fix them all. 

This is freedom. 

Where in your life are you trying to put yourself at the center of the universe?

Outside the center,

–JT

PS: As I reread this post in preparation to post it today. I realized how far I have to go before this will truly be something I am good at. I have swung back into the middle of overanalyzing, not trusting.

Second Amendment

This is the second amendment to my life, not the second amendment of the constitution. Go bear arms or don’t go bear arms. The choice is yours.

I am a little at a loss, as to what to share. I had a great talk with my counselor. He is a great guy with whom I think I click. I am glad to get to meet with him. Talking with him is great because the more we talk the more I find out that we have similarities. He also has extra insight into me because we can track each other and follow where we are at. This las week we brought out that I am afraid.

I find information, gain information, analyze information, and make decisions based on this information. This is a freeing revelation as I felt bound by the idea that I might be more inclined towards another bent. I felt restricted to be put into a different box besides this one. There are more dimensions to my personality than this one bent. However, I believe based on our conversation that this is a heavier emphasis than I thought it was. The point where fear plays into this is, I make decisions based on my fear. I overanalyze to avoid my worst fears.

Fear of failure.

Fear of the unknown.

Fear of pain.

Fear.

FEAR.

FEAR!

My fear is knocking me off course. I substitute my fear for faith. I use my fear to fuel my ability to analyze and dissect my life so that I can control the outcome. I am still at a point where I am leaving the implications of what it means to use my faith to fuel my analytics up for discussion as I do not have a solid grasp as to what this means. I am open to interpretation and commentary. However, I will be investigating this more. 

What is knocking you off course? Fear? Anger? Sadness?

Faithfully,

–JT

The Real Tizz Shady

“Fake it till you make it.” – Somebody said this. 

WHY?

It is a terrible philosophy. You have two outcomes. 

1. You make it in an area where you should not have made it. 

2. You don’t.

I would guess the latter is the more likely outcome. Truly, how often do you make it? How often does anyone make it? Why was I faking it in the first place?

Why was I faking it in the first place!?

Seriously, I was trying to fake my ability to do things I did not love doing, and I am not good at, in the first place. I do not think I will love doing everything I do in life. There will always be things in life and work that are simply the things I do not want to do. However, I was trying to do things that I find interesting. But I was doing it simply to please others and because I thought it would just, ‘be okay.’ 

I cannot come up with a scenario where, “fake it till you make it” actually makes sense. I am even more upset with myself for trying to do it. Not intentionally, but it is what happened. I tried to be someone I am not, something I am not. I am glad to be moving past that. I am upsetting the status quo. I am making changes to the way I act and interact with others so I am not trying to be anyone other than me. 

I am who I am. I want to be who I am. I want to be a healthy version of who I am for the people I love so they are better at being who they are. None of us need to fake anything. 

Where are you faking it?

–The Real Tizz Shady

The Memories

I was listening to an episode of one of my favorite podcasts recently. The episode is mostly about self confidence and related aspects of self confidence; but, at one point one of the hosts, Casey, mentioned a teacher he had that gave him a rather offensive nickname in kindergarten. His story led me to think about my growing up years attending the private elementary school I went to, the friends I had there, and my major successes and struggles while I was there. The greatest struggle was with other students in regards to my weight, I was a chubby kid. This ultimately lead me to even reflect on how I would be picked on an bullied. Today, my weight is not as much of my identity as it once was; however, I do still struggle with my self image in regards to my physique. 

The part of these memories I hung on, as I was listening to this episode, is how kids would pick on me and exclude me, I was as quirky then as I am now. I was really focusing on how I would so strive for the approval of others that I would deprecate myself in order to get them to like me and befriend me. I would do anything I could so that they would like me. I look at myself today and see how I am willing to let others run right over me and keep my mouth shut when I shouldn’t. I was never one of the popular kids and I am not looking to change that today. Today I am only looking to stand up for myself. Not lay down every time I disagree with someone. 

I think this mentality is going to be a struggle to maintain because for so long I’ve ignored it. However, I do look forward to the positive changes it will bring as I move forward in life. I am not looking to be belligerent in the way I change how I act and how I interact with others. I am only looking to give my opinion when I have one.

Remembering,

–JT

Roadblocks

It is always funny to see how different road blocks pop up in my mind. I’ll be trying to see how different issues I’m working through actually play into different parts of my life such as my marriage or my workplace. And I’ll reach a roadblock I just can’t overcome. I can’t move past it. It just sits in front of me and slows me down, stops me. 

I’ll try all sorts of different methods to get past it. I’ll try to just barrel over it as if it doesn’t exist or just sneak around it in some coy thought process. Ultimately, I can’t move past it. Then the unthinkable happens, I sit down with someone who is involved with the roadblock, (ie my wife in relationship with my marriage or a coworker in relationship to my workplace.) And KABLAM, we’ve plowed through the roadblock. 

The first roadblock. 

The second roadblock. 

The third.

The fourth.

We are bounding through roadblocks as if they don’t even matter. Like they were never there. Then, I remember. I remember that I cant work through all of my issues alone. I can change my own behaviors. I can change how I act and interact with people. But I cannot do it alone. Bittersweet, but mostly sweet. I remember I need to be talking to people about what is going on inside as well as outside. What roadblock are you running into? Who could you talk to, to help you through it?

Plowing on,

–JT

Accomplished a Start

I did it! I did an entire month of writing and blogging. I did not miss a day. This isn’t really a huge deal for some. For me it is a bit of an accomplishment. I don’t often feel like I carry through all of my goals to fruition. I will usually give up, make excuses, or chicken out. 

Not this time!

This time I carried it all the way through. I left no stone unturned. I went all the way and didn’t even half-bake anything. I’m not terribly proud of every post. However, I definitely learned quite a bit about myself as a writer and a person. I look forward to the next year, continuing to write and grow as a person. I feel like I can actually achieve these goals and I’m not making lofty goals for myself that I cannot achieve. In the coming year, I look to continue to write. I’ll be posting much less, two or three times a week seems sustainable.

Most importantly, I was successful at something and I did a pretty decent job. This whole last month of writing wasn’t just to fill 30 days with useless blog posts, there are enough of those on the internet, it truly was to write about, process, and discuss what has been going on inside of me and get it all out. Accomplishing something makes me feel good about the coming year. I feel like I might be able to accomplish something more and be successful at something else. 

Proudly,

–JT

Giving up, Giving In

I’ve had quite a bit more to chew up than I thought. It is so interesting to analyze what it means for me to have always held my dad as my hero. It makes for a crazy role model. I look at him so much and see him as my archetype for what it means to be a man and what I should look like. I have to take a good long look at who he is and then I have to look at myself and see how similar we are. I hate to say we are similar. It makes me angry, I don’t want to be like him. He hurt me, I don’t want to hurt anyone. 

When it came to fight or flight, he was a runner. He would run emotionally. I am guessing he ran emotionally for years, hiding, deceiving, and dodging. He finally gave up physically and ran. He ran from his problems multiple times in his life. Hearing from others about how he dealt with various stresses of his first marriage, his third child, and his second marriage, I can now see in him how he ran. 

Similarly, I see in myself, I shut down. I hide my feelings and dodge people who love me. I don’t want to, I just don’t know why I do it. I don’t like it and I don’t think it is healthy. I just don’t know what else to do. I guess I have a topic of conversation for the next time I go see my counselor. 

Reflecting,

–JT

All My Bags Are Packed

Whelp, it has been about 3 weeks since my first counseling appointment, I have not scheduled another one yet. Mostly because of the holidays and the hustle-bustle of it all. I am here, I survived the holidays. Much as you did as well, obviously. They were good. It was good to see family, spend time with friends, and rest. I look back on the past few weeks to try and see what is different. What I have now that I did not have before. I do not know if I have anything now that I did not have before. I process and think and ask myself, “Why do I feel different?” 

I have no good answer. And I do not feel different all the time. I generally feel better, but not great. I still dip low, I am not living in the low points anymore.

Truly, when I compare what I have now to what I had before, I only have information. Powerful information. However, information and head knowledge only. Shocking how much this can do for me. Thrilling, really. I have the opportunity to move forward through learning more about myself. For me, this means that I can break free from the oppression of baggage. I choose whether or not my baggage controls me. 

I am beginning to ask myself, “Do I choose to have or not to have baggage?” 

For me, my baggage has not altered my brain chemistry. I have issues, no doubt about it; but,  because they are all psychological issues and not physiological issues, do I choose to have baggage?

I don’t have a good answer for this. I don’t completely agree with Yes or No as an answer. 

The best answer I am leaning towards at the moment is:

I do not choose whether or not I have baggage, I do get to choose whether or not my baggage is going to control me and whether or not I am going work through my baggage in a healthy way with people who love me and are committed to my success.

In Process,

–JT

What Is Next

I’m not the sort of person to make lots of huge grandiose plans. I don’t generally go all out or blow the top off of anything to make something happen. I am rather easy going and I go into most of my larger plans with a general idea that will be fleshed out when I get to the end. This is great if I don’t have any ambitions or plans for the future. However, it is not great if I do. 

Let’s be real, I do have plans for the future. They may not seem terribly ambitious. However, they are reasonable enough. I want to be a better husband, friend, coworker, and leader. This is ambiguous I agree. But the reason it is ambiguous is because I do not do a great job at planning what that looks like. I just set the goal. I am never disappointed that I do not achieve the goals I have set. I just never reflect on whether I set goals in the first place. 

Looking forward, I have a few plans set out, achievable plans. First, I will continue to write. I will write here, two or three times a week. Continue to process my feelings, thoughts, and generally my issues that I may or may not realize exist. I look to continue to be authentic and real. I will continue to write about my counseling, process my baggage, and anything else relevant to the conversation at hand.

Second, I am going to start reading. I do not read much. A better way to say this might be, ‘I don’t really read books.’ I will read my twitter feed, articles I find interesting on the internet, and I read the news every so often. However, I don’t sit down and read books very often, whether it be a physical book or an ebook. I don’t read much and I don’t read enough. So this year will be a year of reading and writing for me. 

You might now point out reading and writing do not accomplish my goal of being a better friend, husband, coworker, and leader. Ah, great point indeed. I would argue, these two thing do make me better at all of those. I will be reading insights in who I am and who other people are so that I might have new tools to use as I am trying to improve on these aspects of my life. Also, writing will help me process these portions of my life. 

Ambitiously,

–JT

Closing Time

The end is nigh! The year, the month, the sabbatical, it is coming to a close soon. In enough time, I will be back at work and plowing through 2015. I will be knee deep in the swing of things. The worst of it, I haven’t even finished all the video games and I am only on season 3/5 of Breaking Bad. What will I do!? How can I let my sabbatical end if I haven’t finished these sacred priorities. 

Really though, I am going back soon. I am looking forward to having routine. I am looking forward to have a healthier balance between relational time and solitude. However, I have found a new priority for my life. Spending time in self-reflection. I guess I will be focusing on more time where I’m away from the bustle and introspectively reflecting working and sorting the issues. I have spent so much time fixing everyone else’s problems, I don’t spend any time resolving the problems that keep me from growth, not only personal growth, but professional growth. I have so little time I spend with new people to connect to and invest in. The people who have been a part of my ministry for years, I don’t spend enough time with them. The people who are hardly involved in my ministry at all because I let the issues of peers overwhelm me and keep me from spending time with these people. I love resolving issues for my peers. However, at what cost?

I look forward to getting back to my friends and peers. I look forward to seeing them again and rubbing elbows with them all. This will be a good year and I look forward to seeing what all this year holds. I will also savor every last minute of my sabbatical and use those minutes to be as rested and relaxed as I can be. 

I will continue to write and post here. I expect I'll be posting two or three times a week. Depends on how my schedule pans out. I hope to continue to be as much as if not more more introspective and authentic moving forward than I've been up till now. 

Restfully,

–JT

Someone That I Don't Know.

There are people who walk past me every day who I will never know. They have lives, friends, names, experiences, and value. None of which I’ll ever know. 

The other extreme is the far extreme of people I have known for years, practically since birth, with whom I am connected with. I have a checklist of things I have ticked my way through and found I know everything about them I want to know about them and similarly, they know everything about me they would want to know. Now we’re friends, maybe the best of friends.

The trick is, how do I decide when someone crosses the gap? When is someone I want to cross the gap. I know it happens. I usually realized it happened when I get to talking to someone and we talk about something that happened in their life. Either a major event or a minor event. Then I realize how long it has been since we’ve known each other. I realize how much we’ve been through and how connected we are. 

I love seeing this connection to people. I love seeing how much life I’ve walked with people. I have the friends I grew up with, I’m very close to them and I miss them dearly when I’m not around them. I also have these friends in my hometown. People I’ve known much longer than I’ve realized. Friends who I didn’t realize I value as much as I do till I’m 6 hours away from them. 

The trick is, I don’t know how to help someone across this bridge from stranger to best of friends.

I can, however, try to be more intentional about finding out about who these strangers are. I see them every week, all over town. Why not just stop and talk with one of them sometime. Find out who they are and maybe a tidbit about them. I wonder if I have another friend walking around my hometown and I just don’t know it yet.

How do you know when someone is one of your best friends? Do you spend time trying to get to know those people you run into every week?

Connectedly,

–JT

Different Strokes

There are people I have met in my life who are truly different from me. Whether they are so harsh and to the point and I cannot be around them because I feel steam rolled and manipulated. They are so creative and artistic, I cannot understand what is going on in their minds. There are also people who might also rub me the wrong way, their voice, the things they say, their vernacular, clothes they wear, or simple the way they smell. They rub me the wrong way and I am immediately driven nuts the moment they walk into a room.

I have met a handful of people in my life who fall into one of these categories. They don’t mean to cause my toes to curl, but they do. I can think of a few now. I have dealt with them poorly at times or completely avoided them in the most ridiculous of manners. 

I now realize I have never been intentional about consistently celebrating these people. I have never seen the difference and called it out as an amazing part of who they are. The harsh person will get things done, the artist will create beautiful work, and the people who grate on my nerves are loved and valued by many. When have I taken the time to call out their differences as something to be celebrated?

Valuing diversity,

–JT

Weight in Gold

I have been reflecting on my writing looking for themes and common denominators between what I’ve been saying and what I’ve been struggling with. The biggest theme I’ve seen is the value of other people, my perceptions of them, and how I interact with them. I’ve taken this observation and spun it around to test as a view of myself.

My own value has been in question for years. 

I agree with this statement. I have been undervaluing myself, devaluing myself, and underestimating my own self worth for years. I don't believe in my own opinion to be valuable. To which my subconscious responds, “Yes you do. Your opinion has value! Very little value, but some value is better than no value.” Me believing this about myself is the reason I play the part of the doormat more than the part of the door. 

And I’m scared. 

I’m scared to value my own opinion. I’m afraid I’m going to do this wrong a lot. I’m afraid I’m going to hurt some people in speaking my mind more. I’m not looking to be belligerent. I just have to speak up about what I think because it can make people around me better. I don’t want to offend and hurt people as I go. I think humility will play into this as much as anything. I’m going to have to be willing to back down my opinion when it isn’t popular and not be hurt (not being hurt will be the harder part.) The hurt part is why I’ve stopped putting my opinion out in the first place. 

The reality is, it is ok for people to accidentally hurt me. It is not ok for me to react poorly when someone does  unintentionally hurts me. Likewise, it is ok me to accidentally hurt someone, it is not ok for me to intentionally hurt people.

These two things are linked for me because it hurts me so much when my opinion/idea is not the popular opinion. However, I could probably count on one hand the number of people who have actually been out to hurt me by ignoring me.

I must start creating space in my thoughts and ideas to be gently set aside without being hurt. And I need to start being willing to take the bull by the horns when the popular action is to wait for everyone else’s opinion.

Opinionated,

–JT

Putting the 'Mas' Back in Christmas

You now see why I can make a case for Christ-Mas being a hispanic holiday. 

Though it is not actually a hispanic holiday, it is Christmas day. Todays origins are in a manger in Bethlehem, Israel. There is a stable where a man named Joseph, a woman named Mary, had a son and named him Jesus. This man and woman allowed their son to be the man he was meant to be. They did not stifle his story or inhibit him so that they might push their agenda. They told his story and did not hide the truth of his story from their friends.

Here I am. Today, it is my goal to tell my story. When people start trying to get to know me or asking me about the last year. When they ask about what I’ve been doing, where I’ve been, what I’ve been up to etc. I am going to tell them all about the last month of self reflection and learning. I’m not going to bounce from one awkwardly shallow conversation to another. I need to tell people about my life. I don’t think my life is super important, interesting, or a bastion of light for other lives to be lived; but, I do think my life has a story. And my life wouldn’t be what it is if people weren’t willing to share their lives and stories with me. 

It is time to reciprocate. 

When I am scared of reactions. 

Afraid of judgement.

I need to speak out and tell my story and trust in the person standing across from me. They have a story too. They have value. They need to know that I struggle just as much as they do. Today I tell my story. 

Will you take the time and trust someone else today? Will you tell your story and not hide the details?

Telling my story,

–JT