Resistance

When I go to the gym, I expect to push myself. I expect to have to choose to increase the weight for the bench press (especially for my weak flimsy arms.) I expect to increase the weight I use when I am squatting. I choose to increase the weight I use when I do curls.

I also choose to increase the slope of the treadmill or elliptical to continue to maintain my size and weight. Sometimes I think I will fall over dead afterwards or there is no way I can finish my time.

As I push myself to make these increases, I also increase the amount of resistance each one of these exercises has on my body. And ideally the increased resistance leads to the desired results of weight loss/maintenance, toned muscles, chiseled abs (it is harder to chisel a keg than a six pack. It is really insurance against dying a death too young.)

Increasing the resistance is important. I have to increase the resistance in order to continue to develop and maintain physical health.

Then there is creativity and productivity. I have to focus on developing my creativity too. It comes with its own resistances.

Tiredness: I’ve been up too long and I have already done so much.

Boredom: this part of the project is lame and I don’t like it. I should something that doesn’t take so long or is more entertaining.

Distractions: I know I need to come up with some ideas, but I would rather check my email, Twitter, Facebook, Reddit, YouTube, or listen to a podcast. Those are easier and quicker than making myself be creative.

Excuses: It can wait.

At the end of the day, there are all these resistances I am pushing against when it comes to focusing on doing work that matters. Making a difference in the long term projects and getting real work done. Whether or not I will do anything worthwhile is directly related to my ability to lean into these resistances in the face of excuses.

What are your excuses for not doing something that matters? What are your resistances? How can you lean into them to do work that really matters to you and to others? How can your friends know what you are capable of if you never lean into your resistances?

“Resistance is futile.” - Ancient Borg Proverb

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Conflict

I have, previously, never dealt with conflict well. I would get hurt. Emotional. And finish it all with a nice dose of justified anger, I highly doubt those two words actually ever go together. Since I have had time to reflect and analyze this cycle inside myself, I have been able to see it. I have been able to sift it, and I have been able to realize and catch these triggers before they can hurt other people. 

I have been intrigued by this cycle I have. Most of the time I am a peaceful person when it comes to being hurt. However, I am peaceful because I came to learn that I take on the victim's mentality. The mentality that says, "Everyone is going to hurt me and I just need to buck up and take it like a man." Unfortunately, I do not have a clear picture of what it means to take it like a man. What it means to deal with inner anger, madness, and sadness well. I have movies where there is an archetype I relate to. I have fictional books where I can see a relatable character I cling to. I do not have a real life, clear as day, human being I have been able to see walk through this well (that I know of.) 

These facts are not a cause an effect. These are two tandem realities that work together to cause issues. The connecting cord between these ideas is whether or not we talk about it as we walk through situations where we are upset. Whether or not we share how we are actually doing. Whether or not we are willing to share our lives with people around us (not to say we have to share our story with all people, healthy and unhealthy). 

Sharing our story is past tense to telling the story I lived last week, last month, last year, or last decade. 

Sharing my story is also present tense in telling the story I am living today.

Who are you sharing your present tense story with? Who are you sharing your past tense story with?

Giving up, Giving In

I’ve had quite a bit more to chew up than I thought. It is so interesting to analyze what it means for me to have always held my dad as my hero. It makes for a crazy role model. I look at him so much and see him as my archetype for what it means to be a man and what I should look like. I have to take a good long look at who he is and then I have to look at myself and see how similar we are. I hate to say we are similar. It makes me angry, I don’t want to be like him. He hurt me, I don’t want to hurt anyone. 

When it came to fight or flight, he was a runner. He would run emotionally. I am guessing he ran emotionally for years, hiding, deceiving, and dodging. He finally gave up physically and ran. He ran from his problems multiple times in his life. Hearing from others about how he dealt with various stresses of his first marriage, his third child, and his second marriage, I can now see in him how he ran. 

Similarly, I see in myself, I shut down. I hide my feelings and dodge people who love me. I don’t want to, I just don’t know why I do it. I don’t like it and I don’t think it is healthy. I just don’t know what else to do. I guess I have a topic of conversation for the next time I go see my counselor. 

Reflecting,

–JT