Standards

“As an alcoholic, you will violate your standards quicker than you will lower them.”

–Robin Williams

How true that is for all of us with or without alcohol.

When I was in the midst of my own crazy cycle. The moment I realized I was nearing damage that could not be undone was when I stopped, self-reflected for a moment and realized how low my standards were compared to what my behavior was becoming.

The absolute dissolving of my standards was going to have to reach new lows in my life and my behavior was going to spiral out of control. I was going to lose it all.

Where are your standards at? Where are they headed? How do your actions compare to your standards?

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Public Opinion

I recently was struck by a very public conversation I have been hearing about. It is is in regards to a million and one details and has strings stretching farther than I could imagine, no matter how creative I think I am.

The most critical part of the conversation to me now is the publicity of it all. Both sides of the coin have always been very private groups. Never divulging too much more than they need. For this conversation, they have been hyper public. They have been leveraging public opinion against each other. Making points. Swaying intermediaries and everyone of course weighs in on the whole thing because everyone has an opinion and everyone else needs to give theirs too.

No one is stopping to ask if this conversation needs to be public. I have been more and more adopting a policy of dealing with things in the moment. This is practically a good policy for me right now, not necessarily permanent. If someone goes off the rails, it is better for me to wave a flag in the moment than wait. I know if I wait, I will never speak up.

I would never bring one of these situations up in a public forum to be discussed in the public court of opinion. I would betray my counterparts in these moments if I take private matters public. Private matters should be private for a reason. Nobody is better when I force a private matter into the public when it obviously belongs private. Personally, I would be immensely hurt if someone made my private matters public, hence I would never do that. What good can come from forcing private matters into the public? Do we really need so many extra opinions in conversations designed for private offices?

How do you deal with things? Do private matters come up too often in public? Do you deal with issues in a timely fashion? Does your reaction scale to the action?

Privately,

–JT

All My Bags Are Packed

Whelp, it has been about 3 weeks since my first counseling appointment, I have not scheduled another one yet. Mostly because of the holidays and the hustle-bustle of it all. I am here, I survived the holidays. Much as you did as well, obviously. They were good. It was good to see family, spend time with friends, and rest. I look back on the past few weeks to try and see what is different. What I have now that I did not have before. I do not know if I have anything now that I did not have before. I process and think and ask myself, “Why do I feel different?” 

I have no good answer. And I do not feel different all the time. I generally feel better, but not great. I still dip low, I am not living in the low points anymore.

Truly, when I compare what I have now to what I had before, I only have information. Powerful information. However, information and head knowledge only. Shocking how much this can do for me. Thrilling, really. I have the opportunity to move forward through learning more about myself. For me, this means that I can break free from the oppression of baggage. I choose whether or not my baggage controls me. 

I am beginning to ask myself, “Do I choose to have or not to have baggage?” 

For me, my baggage has not altered my brain chemistry. I have issues, no doubt about it; but,  because they are all psychological issues and not physiological issues, do I choose to have baggage?

I don’t have a good answer for this. I don’t completely agree with Yes or No as an answer. 

The best answer I am leaning towards at the moment is:

I do not choose whether or not I have baggage, I do get to choose whether or not my baggage is going to control me and whether or not I am going work through my baggage in a healthy way with people who love me and are committed to my success.

In Process,

–JT