Second Amendment

This is the second amendment to my life, not the second amendment of the constitution. Go bear arms or don’t go bear arms. The choice is yours.

I am a little at a loss, as to what to share. I had a great talk with my counselor. He is a great guy with whom I think I click. I am glad to get to meet with him. Talking with him is great because the more we talk the more I find out that we have similarities. He also has extra insight into me because we can track each other and follow where we are at. This las week we brought out that I am afraid.

I find information, gain information, analyze information, and make decisions based on this information. This is a freeing revelation as I felt bound by the idea that I might be more inclined towards another bent. I felt restricted to be put into a different box besides this one. There are more dimensions to my personality than this one bent. However, I believe based on our conversation that this is a heavier emphasis than I thought it was. The point where fear plays into this is, I make decisions based on my fear. I overanalyze to avoid my worst fears.

Fear of failure.

Fear of the unknown.

Fear of pain.

Fear.

FEAR.

FEAR!

My fear is knocking me off course. I substitute my fear for faith. I use my fear to fuel my ability to analyze and dissect my life so that I can control the outcome. I am still at a point where I am leaving the implications of what it means to use my faith to fuel my analytics up for discussion as I do not have a solid grasp as to what this means. I am open to interpretation and commentary. However, I will be investigating this more. 

What is knocking you off course? Fear? Anger? Sadness?

Faithfully,

–JT

One Down

One appointment down. One more to go. I suspect there will be, “One more to go.” for quite a while to come. 

30 minutes ago I was sitting with my newfound friend, counselor, and wise confidant. Now I’m sitting down in my corporate coffee shop of choice full of information about me. It is interesting to sit down with someone who isn’t close to me and talk with them as if they are my friend whom I’ve known for years. And afterwards? I walk away with new insights to who I am. Today’s insight is: “My dad is my hero.” 

When he left, my hero threw in the towel. 

My Superman threw in the towel. 

My dad was my inspiration.

When he left, my inspiration left.

My dad challenged me to stretch myself.

When he left, I stopped challenging and stretching myself.

Now, I have to let my dad be my superman again.

I have to forgive my dad.

When I forgive my dad, I will be breaking down the walls that stop him from inspiring me to challenge myself. When I face a challenge and achieve excellence, I am then inspired to challenge myself again.

I face that challenge and I am inspired to excel and achieve excellence, because my dad believes in me.

Whether he is sitting next to me, a million miles away, or 6 feet under. 

My dad is my inspiration, he loves me, and wants the best for me.

Today, I go home, eat dinner with my wife and tell her about my appointment.

Tomorrow, I challenge myself to forgive my dad.

Forgiving my dad, wholly and fully, will mean I’ve achieved excellence again. If I achieve excellence again; then, I might be inspired to challenge myself again. Then who knows what might come next. Will this unlock me challenging myself and achieving excellence over and over again?

Apple a Day

“Apple a day keeps the doctor away.” – Johnny Appleseed

Unfortunately, there is no apple to keep the counselor away. I’m still a little in shock that I’m going to go see a counselor today. I don’t know how to feel. I want to go. I am excited to go. I know I’ll be better for going. I just don’t like the reality. It has always been the sort of thing where I know it is good for people. 

I think it is good for me. 

I just don’t want to do it. Makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. Something more wrong than I thought. I don’t like feeling like I’m more broken than I already feel like I am. I want to feel good about who I am. 

All these feelings make me realize how I actually view going to counseling. 

Going to counseling is ok for you, it is ok for them, it is ok for everyone else. But I don’t really need to go. I’ve known I needed to go to counseling for years. Especially considering that I know there is emotional turmoil has been weighing on me for some time now. I even took a class on family communication that outright said, I’m paraphrasing, most people in their mid to late 20’s should probably go to counseling whether they think they needed it or not. We are all raised by someone and they weren’t perfect and as a result, neither are we. Doesn’t mean we’re going to go all ‘Silence of the Lambs’ out there. But we do need to process through where we are in life in a healthy way with someone who is trained in helping people process life. But I still waited, put it off, and ignored it. Thats how I deal with things, shove them down deep. The more they hurt, the deeper they go. This one bubbled up to the surface and is fighting back. 

Here I go. 

Today, I had to break down some walls. 

Today, I go to to see a counselor.

Going to counseling today shows me that the social stigmas about going to counseling are deeper in me than I thought they were. Today I’m breaking those stigmas and I’m going to be better for it.

What about you? Do you have stereotypes about people who go to counseling? How are you breaking those stereotypes? Why aren’t you going to counseling?

Nervously, 

—JT