Friends Forever

There is an older gentleman I met while I was working at Starbucks. He and his friends came in most every day we were open every year. He was a delight. He was met almost always by his friends and they sat around solving the world’s problems in the midst of our café. They were always good natured and I was glad to know them all.

Several years have gone by since I worked there, I have aged some and he has continued to age some, and he is now reaching a point where he needs assistance in his living. He is still a delight and today, he is being taken care of by his friends who he met with every day at Starbucks.

His friends have a voice in his life because their most vibrant connection was a table covered in coffee cups, napkins, and newspapers. It brings me so much joy to know he is in good hands with his friends being the decision makers in his life as his health slowly declines.

These people are an inspiration to me to develop the friends and connections I have. These men were introduced through a coffee shop and met regularly to be friends. And now they continue to care for each other more ways than the years of theoretical conversations they had over coffee.

To know that one day I might also be cared for by my friends bring me warmth and joy. To know he is being cared for by his friends brings me peace. And I never could have guessed how far these relationships they were developing might grow.

What relationships are you investing in? Who are the people you want to take care of you as you age? Who do you want to be with you as you reach your twilight years? What steps are you taking to bring people into your life to know you well enough to know what you would want when you reach your twilight?

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Family Business

The family business. Sometimes people get to decide that we are taking over the family business and other times it is decided for us. Either way, the family business is the way so many people end up doing what they do.

I personally did not end up in the family business whether it was my father as a mechanic or my mom who was a computer programmer for most of my life.

But I did end up in the business of doing family. Where the bottom line is more than profit margins, but we measure growth in other ways. Some growth is highly tangible, like my son getting taller, adding more words to his vocabulary, and his stability as he walks. Other growth isn’t as tangible.

Other other is more ‘guesstimated’. It is not exact a science. It is not as direct and easily broken down as my son’s growth. The growth of my ability to learn how to do plumbing working projects on my house is not a measured growth item. It is a checkbox all the same. I check that box as I know I can replace a bathroom sink.

The family growth is just as important to me as the business growth, and I might even argue more important. There is not as many measurements in the family growth department. Obviously, you have the business/factory model of the American establishment of education. But where is the family growth spreadsheet to show how much I have developed as a unit of a family?

Where is my quarterly review as a father and husband?

Not to say I should not be growing and developing in these areas for my own personal benefit. But if having regular reviews and development plans are essential to the way my brain works. Where are the family metrics to show a family who is developing and growing and becoming more than an analogue unit of “Yes, this family continues to be together” or “No, this family is no long considered a together unit.” Where are the gray areas where there is room to grow as people within this structure?

How are you developing your family? How are you measuring yourself within the context of your family? How are you growing as an owner in the business of your family? What are you measuring to know your growth and development is more than ‘felt’?

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Worth Celebrating

Today is a day worth celebrating. Today is the birthday of a strong woman who has always been an amazing influence in my life. Today checks off one more year to her amazing story. Another year of growth and strength. Another year of her being a role model for me. Another year of her being herself. She is a person worth celebrating for me. She has been incredibly instrumental in being who I am today. Beyond the obvious, she has been over and over again the person I look to for strength, wisdom, and encouragement. She has been a servant her whole life and there is nothing more I could ever ask from her as she has always gone above and beyond to take care of me. She is an amazing woman.

Today I get to celebrate my mom. And I couldn’t be happier to be celebrating her unless I had the opportunity to celebrate with her. 

I love you mom.

Love,

–JT

Christmas Adam

My wife, her family, and I have quite a few traditions around the holidays. Many of the traditions revolve around this day, 23 December. The family has come to call this day, “Christmas Adam.” (in reference to Adam and Eve. I appreciate the pun–tastic nature of this naming scheme.) We decorate cookies, judge each other decorating skills for prizes, sing songs, tell stories, swap gifts, and watch movies. This is a family tradition of theirs dating back millenniums as best as I can tell. Christmas Eve is usually a more relaxed day involving cookie/sugar coma recovery, possibly a Christmas Eve service of sorts and more movies. Finally, there is Christmas day, full of gifts, food, and family. I enjoy all of these times of celebration, memories, and family. I find myself still thinking about the rest of the month. 

I think about this month being a time where I am processing my messy places. 

I think of those who don’t have a healthy way to process their mess.

I think of those who are truly in need.

This year I have been thinking about my lack of service in the midst of our Christmas Adam/Eve/Day Trifecta. This year I need to be a part of making a difference for those who are not in the middle of a community who want the best for them. This may be service at a shelter or simply by engaging the people around me and telling my story. Showing that there is hope no matter how hopeless they feel.

How can you engage those you need to know there is hope in this season of darkness and loneliness?

Helpfully,

–JT

Traditions!

Growing up, we never had many traditions. We never really had an annual groove where we did this or that every year. We celebrated birthdays, holidays, and took trips. However, we didn’t really have any major, “Manning Family Traditions.” I think everyone involved would say this is true. Now that I’m older I go to family and friends houses, or talk about different holiday traditions people do every year. I love hearing about how these traditions bring people together, how they have enjoyed these traditions and what they mean to them. 

For me, I am glad, so glad I do not have a deeply engrained regiment of traditions bonded to my soul. It has been freeing for my wife and I create new traditions that are unique to us and enjoyable for both of us. Meanwhile maintaining the right priorities throughout the process. 

(Aside: It has been more enjoyable for me than for my wife. However, she is amazing and wants to find thing we both agree on and can celebrate together even though she loves the traditions she had.)

These traditions are hard to come up. They leave us with many questions. Do we buy a tree? Do we do gifts for people anymore? Do we do gifts for each other? Do we put up lights? Do we even know why we do any of these things in the first place? 

And no clear answer as we don't love doing some of this stuff and we do love doing other bits of this.

How do she and I work together to find traditions that speak to both of us and align with out priorities?

This is the question we keep coming back to. The question that drives us forward. We don’t have many answers yet, and we are going to keep digging for new answers, but I am glad to have the answers we have and to be looking for these answers with her.

As the clock ticks closer and closer to the “big day,” where do your traditions come from? What do they prioritize? Do these traditions align with your life’s priorities?

Untraditionally,

–JT

Friendzone

I have people in my life who know me pretty well. These are people I can be genuine, open, honest, and they just know me. These are people who I’ve known a long time. A really long time. We've been friends/family for the better part of 20 years. We’ve all seen each other at some really high points and some really low points. We know each other. These are a couple guys I would call brothers and a girl I would call a sister. 

I get to be with these people now as I have the time to spend with them. I came to their place and told them where I am at, and they take me into their lives with open arms. I am blessed by these people. This family of mine. They bring me in and love me and support me. This is the best reminder that I am loved. And whether I think I am or not, I have people in my life who want the best for me, here in Seattle, Moscow, and Pullman. I have people who care. The question for me is am I going to let them care? 

Am I going to let them in on what is going on or hold them out at a distance?

Where The Buck Stops

Yesterday, I talked about my dad’s past, how little I know, and how that affects me now. However, I didn’t talk about the people who did know my dad. I didn’t talk about my half siblings.

There are my 5 of them. They’ve mostly lived away from me. They are all quite a bit older than I am. They range from 30 years to 8 years older than I am at least. I don’t know for sure. This goes to show how well I know them all. 

One of them I didn’t even get to meet till last fall when we all were together for the first time ever. She is a sweetheart. They are all wonderful people. My heart aches because of how little I know them all. They are all great people whom I wish I knew better.

Unfortunately, the phone line goes both ways and I have most of their numbers and never call.

So I am more to blame than they are for not knowing them. 

They had the same dad as I did. But the person he was to them, is not the person he was to me. (This truth cuts me to the core.) 

I sat up late with one of them and told him about the man I knew as my dad and he told me of the same man. I can hardly believe my dad could treat anyone so horribly.

He abused them. 

It kills me to know I was raised so differently.

It makes me feel responsible. That night, my half brother told me I’m not responsible. But I still feel like I am.

I can see why my dad was who he was. He didn’t have a good relationship with his dad. He told me my whole life that his dad said, “I love you.” only one time in my dad’s whole life. My dad never recovered from that. He took it out on his children. 

My dad carried the pain his dad left him with and never dealt with it. I know that because I can see how it still affected him through my life and to the end of his life. 

I’m not going to carry that pain.

I’m making changes and pulling the plug.

The pain stops here.

What pain do you carry from your father and your father’s father? 

How are you stopping it from rolling down hill to your children?

Where the buck stops,

—JT