One Down

One appointment down. One more to go. I suspect there will be, “One more to go.” for quite a while to come. 

30 minutes ago I was sitting with my newfound friend, counselor, and wise confidant. Now I’m sitting down in my corporate coffee shop of choice full of information about me. It is interesting to sit down with someone who isn’t close to me and talk with them as if they are my friend whom I’ve known for years. And afterwards? I walk away with new insights to who I am. Today’s insight is: “My dad is my hero.” 

When he left, my hero threw in the towel. 

My Superman threw in the towel. 

My dad was my inspiration.

When he left, my inspiration left.

My dad challenged me to stretch myself.

When he left, I stopped challenging and stretching myself.

Now, I have to let my dad be my superman again.

I have to forgive my dad.

When I forgive my dad, I will be breaking down the walls that stop him from inspiring me to challenge myself. When I face a challenge and achieve excellence, I am then inspired to challenge myself again.

I face that challenge and I am inspired to excel and achieve excellence, because my dad believes in me.

Whether he is sitting next to me, a million miles away, or 6 feet under. 

My dad is my inspiration, he loves me, and wants the best for me.

Today, I go home, eat dinner with my wife and tell her about my appointment.

Tomorrow, I challenge myself to forgive my dad.

Forgiving my dad, wholly and fully, will mean I’ve achieved excellence again. If I achieve excellence again; then, I might be inspired to challenge myself again. Then who knows what might come next. Will this unlock me challenging myself and achieving excellence over and over again?

Apple a Day

“Apple a day keeps the doctor away.” – Johnny Appleseed

Unfortunately, there is no apple to keep the counselor away. I’m still a little in shock that I’m going to go see a counselor today. I don’t know how to feel. I want to go. I am excited to go. I know I’ll be better for going. I just don’t like the reality. It has always been the sort of thing where I know it is good for people. 

I think it is good for me. 

I just don’t want to do it. Makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. Something more wrong than I thought. I don’t like feeling like I’m more broken than I already feel like I am. I want to feel good about who I am. 

All these feelings make me realize how I actually view going to counseling. 

Going to counseling is ok for you, it is ok for them, it is ok for everyone else. But I don’t really need to go. I’ve known I needed to go to counseling for years. Especially considering that I know there is emotional turmoil has been weighing on me for some time now. I even took a class on family communication that outright said, I’m paraphrasing, most people in their mid to late 20’s should probably go to counseling whether they think they needed it or not. We are all raised by someone and they weren’t perfect and as a result, neither are we. Doesn’t mean we’re going to go all ‘Silence of the Lambs’ out there. But we do need to process through where we are in life in a healthy way with someone who is trained in helping people process life. But I still waited, put it off, and ignored it. Thats how I deal with things, shove them down deep. The more they hurt, the deeper they go. This one bubbled up to the surface and is fighting back. 

Here I go. 

Today, I had to break down some walls. 

Today, I go to to see a counselor.

Going to counseling today shows me that the social stigmas about going to counseling are deeper in me than I thought they were. Today I’m breaking those stigmas and I’m going to be better for it.

What about you? Do you have stereotypes about people who go to counseling? How are you breaking those stereotypes? Why aren’t you going to counseling?

Nervously, 

—JT

Life of Mom

Wow, cannot hardly believe what starts to happen when you talk to your family.

Unlike the stereotype, when I go visit my family (specifically my mom’s side of the family,) It is about as low-key as it gets. For example, it is not unheard of that we might move a holiday’s celebration to the day after or before the holiday because of all of the plans getting bounce around and everyone being so busy. We succumb to the shuffle and don’t let family take priority. We don’t have any drama, just more than our fair share of spunk and spiciness. We don’t pull any punches, we just tell it how it is. 

This low-key nature comes at a price though. The price of all this is that we don’t talk about anything deep. We’ll talk about the local news, which isn’t much in a town of 382 people. We’ll talk about what has gone on with family health. We will never go deep. We will never get personal. 

That changed a little this year. I spent most of a day traveling with my mom, step-dad, and wife. I told my mom about my impending sabbatical, I told her about my upcoming counseling appointment, I told here how I’ve been doing for the past bit. Though I was emotional, it went well. We moved on in topics shortly thereafter and kept talking. And we small talked most of the day away or didn’t talk. 

I like not talking, it is easier than small talking. A restful silence, when no one is stressed by a lack of conversation, is golden silence for me. I love a golden silence. My mom is good at golden silences. A day of golden silence is wonderful for us. Though, this time we had a 3 hour car ride. 

So, my wife, my step-dad, my mom, and I packed up and drove the last leg of our journey to my mom’s family and on the way, it came up about my mom’s early life. 

A life I know very little about. 

A life I had never really heard about.

I asked about this life. 

I asked where she came from. 

I asked what she used to do for work.

Where she went to school.

Why she went to these places.

Why she didn’t go do this other thing.

I asked until I was full. Full of joy. Full of emotion. Full of fulfillment. 

And my mom told me it all. 

Now I have an understanding about myself I’ve never known. I always grew up with my dad working on and fixing cars. My dad always tried to tinker with technology, unsuccessfully. But I had never known what my mom did. 

She was a computer programer. (She used punch cards. And a bit of software in the 1990’s)

This changes things.

I’ve never understood why I am so tech savvy and actually enjoy technology to some extent. I’ve never understood why quite a bit of technology comes fairly naturally. I’m no tech genius. I am under 30 and I’ve grown up with technology. This has been my default explanation to myself why I do well with technology, at least better than the generation before me. 

Now that I’ve heard my mom’s story, I can believe that there is an inherited natural gifting with technology (or at least a reasonable possibility for natural gifting.)

I have always been entertained by coding, but now I have a reason to give it a try. 

I know who my mom is and where she came from.

I can now better understood who I am.

If you have children, sit down right now and set a reminder in your calendar/phone/schedule an email to be sent to yourself. Your children need to know who you are and where you’ve come from. And if your parents are still alive, go ask them where they come from. Take them out to dinner or coffee or go for a walk and ask them, “What is your life’s story.” You might be surprised about what they tell you. 

You might better understand who you are because of it.

I admit it, I grew up as a tunnel visioned silver spooned child. I couldn’t see much outside myself. 

But now that I can, my life is so much better. 

Now that I’ve heard my mom’s story, I can go to counseling and talk about who I am. 

I know who my mom is.

I know better who I am.

When are you going to tell your story to your children?

When are you going to ask your parents for their stories?

Living a good story,

—JT

All Things Have...

All things have a beginning. I always hear this phrase in reference to the end. But I would argue the part of things worth paying attention to is the beginning. My life has a beginning. This is me,skipping a rock over the surface of my life. The highlights and lowlights of where I have come from.

Note: Grab your coffee now, make a bathroom run, and settle in, this is longer than what I usually have to say. (28 years doesn’t condense well.)

1986. I was borned in Laguna, California. I have no memories and I know very little about my time in California. 

My earliest memories come from Port Orchard, Washington where we lived for a couple of years before we moved to Jacksonville, Florida. We moved to Jacksonville for my mom’s job. She worked at Merril Lynch down in FL as a computer programmer and my dad worked for an auto parts distribution company. I have very little grasp of what my parents did besides this. For the last two years of our time in Florida, my half sister lived with us for her last two years of high school. The school we went to was University Christian School. I enjoyed my time there, though the only events of note were the few moments I was in trouble whether it be due to my own actions or false accusations from others.

[Having to explain that I lived in Jacksonville, I actually had to look up my old address in order to make sure I was explaining it correctly. I wanted to make sure I didn’t live in some suburb of Jacksonville with a proper name I’ve never known because I’ve always just called it ‘Jacksonville.’]

I lived in Jacksonville for about 6 years before I moved back to Port Orchard (PO). When we moved to PO, I went to Orchard Heights for 5th & 6th Grade (public school), South Kitsap Christian School (private school) for 7th & 8th grade, John Sedgwick Junior High (public school) for 9th, and finalized my educational career at the esteemed South Kitsap High School (public school). 

We moved to PO because my mom took a job as a computer programmer with Northern Life Insurance Company. This led to a job with ING Direct, as they were bought out and became a subsidiary. And then all of a sudden she was no longer working there. 

ING is owned by a European group. When they bought Northern Life Insurance Company, they decided to outsource my mom’s job because they already had a workgroup doing the same/similar work as my mom on the east coast in CT. So, she went from a well paying job to unemployed, to working part time for a local author as an accountant. Obviously, the economics of it all don’t balance well and my parents didn’t change their lifestyle even though their finances changed.

Meanwhile, my dad was working at a local auto parts store (not Napa Autoparts, but this is the right idea.) He was also involved in a local performing arts theater and so was I. 

Growing up I had always been involved in sports to some extent. From T-ball on up I played baseball, there was even a year while we were in Florida that I played football. I would estimate a failed year. 

They sorted the teams by weight class and I was a chunky kid who was destroyed by kids three and four years older than I was. When you’re getting stomped on, it leaves a sour taste in my mouth. I’ve gotten over it, it is just unfortunate. 

I started playing basketball and continued playing baseball when we moved back to PO. I played both sports on and off till 9th grade. Starting in 9th grade I began lessons on the electric bass and got involved in musical theater. Both were great for me. I am not very competitive and this allowed me to be more creative and dig into art I could wrap my hands and mind around.

Music stuck with me through high school. I tried the JROTC and DECA programs at my high school; but, music is what really resonated with me, whether in bands, theater, or just rocking out in my room playing along with the radio. 

Music took me to college. The University of Idaho (U of I) Lionel Hampton School of Music is where I landed. I had a friend who was going to school at the U of I at the time and I decided if it was good enough to him, it is good enough for me. 

Before I moved off to college, my parents lost their house due to their financial choices and in the summer of 2004, we packed up all our worldly possessions and hit the road for a sliver of real estate they owned near Santa, Idaho (there is no claus that requires me to mention this.)

I was there with them for a less than a month before I went to Moscow, Idaho to go to school. Still further financial issues caused them to move to Moscow as well after I had been going to school for a couple years. They lived in Moscow for a year while I finished my third year studying Music Theory. 

This is where things slow zoom in the most. I’ll still try to be brief but I can’t leave out too many details either. 

After my third year at school my dad decided to leave my mom. Thus leaving my mom and I in Moscow. I decided to take time off from school, I wasn’t really doing well at this point and I didn’t really care about it anyways. It was good to have a break. I had been working as well as going to school up to this point and it was good to get to focus on just the one thing at a time. I transitioned positions from Quiznos Subs as a Sandwich Connoisseur to Starbucks to be a Barista. 

While working at Starbucks I started making friends and connecting with people. My time spent at Starbucks, about 4 years in all, in the Fall of 2008, I met one special young lady who, in the Fall of 2010, became my wife. My mom has also since remarried to a great man who has become a second father to me in ways. 

I returned to the University of Idaho in 2011 to complete my degree, a Bachelor of Science in General Studies, Minor in Business, and Entrepreneurial Certificate. I Graduated in 2013, meanwhile working part time at a local church where I am now working full time since I graduated. My peers (really more my friends and family at this point) are the same people who love me and support me enough today to take a sabbatical so that I can deal with the issues that cause me to be so misplaced. They see me and they know I’m not doing well. This is extremely apparent in the way I interact with so many of them as this last year has been especially difficult. 

June of 2013 my dad passed away. And this summer, almost a year later it all finally caught up with me. The stress of work and the reality of life finally dropped on me all at once. 

And now my community loves me enough to send me out the door for rest and healing. They love me and want the best for me. I now strive to rest and heal. Having laid it all out in plain text, changes little but gives me hope as I continue to grow and heal from these years of suppressing my hurt and feelings. 

That is how I’ve dealt with the loss and passing of my dad. I have pushed it way down deep in side of me where I don’t have to look at it, think about it, or even fathom it. After my dad passed, I told enough people about it so I wouldn't be bubbling over anymore. 

It has been bubbling over again.

Now I have to deal with it. 

I’m not growing. 

I’m hurting people I love.

Now I’m dealing with it. 

Timidly,

–JT

Premise

Here I am. 28.5 years later and total confusion to show for it. 

I have an amazing wife whom I love and supports me better than I could imagine. An awesome community who is doing more for me than I would ever ask.

Here I am.

I couldn't be in a better place for being in such a terrible place.

I could not be in a better place, for being in such a terrible place. (Important statements will be repeated. It is artistic...I promise.)

Starting 1 Dec. 2014, I am on sabbatical. Those words almost hurt to type. My fingers ache with the reality of it all. My heart weighs with the prospect of digging through the past 7 years much less all of my life till now.

Yet, here I am. 

For the next few days I’ll be with family, celebrating, The Great Turkey Tradition. Then, It’ll be 31 days of reflection. 

I would rather spend 31 days eating Magnum Bars, watching Breaking Bad & Walking Dead, and Playing Destiny on the PS4. (But that seems rather counterproductive.)

If you’re reading this wondering, “What is going on with JT?” 

The answer is, “It is too much to explain right now, but the TL;DR version of it all is, I’m sad, all the time. And in the few moments I’m not sad, I don’t have to do much more than look over my shoulder a short ways to be back on the verge of tears.” The only other things that I regularly feel are anger and frustration. These three things are destroying me and making me an awful person to be around. As if the puns weren't enough. 

There are times my anger and frustrations are valid; though, I never actually deal with them in a valid way. And the right thing done the wrong way, is still the wrong thing. 

My goal is to post here every day. I have an outline of around 85 blog post ideas, and after that, I’ll see what the new year holds. I am guessing after 1 January 2015, I’ll post weekly, maybe 2–3 times a week. We will only know when we get there. Minimum, I would like to be posting once a week.

What you can expect is me pouring my guts out. I’ll be going to counseling, I have my first appt. on 3Dec and I expect to have many more after that. I’ll be talking bout my counseling as openly as possible. I’ll be reflecting on who I am, who I would like to be, and why I tick like I do.

So, here we go. I’ll tweet out a link to my most recent post about once a week, but truly, I love my friends enough to not tweet my posts daily. That would be a little much. 

The other major question I want to answer is, “Why are you doing this?”

First, to process my thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

Second, I’m not the only person in the world who has the issues I have. I would rather share where I’m and my journey from here so that other people have a place to come look, talk, and wrestle, than write it all in a journal I’ll never read again. 

Finally, in the event I miss a day, do not be surprised. The point of this time is rest. I am hoping to get far enough ahead I don’t miss any days. But we’ll see what happens. If you have any requests of me or want to hear about a specific topic, please use the contact form and I’ll be glad to dialogue with you about what you’re looking for and whether or not I’ll address the topic. 

Otherwise, thank you for joining me on this journey. It's going to be interesting, I promise. 

For the first time,

—JT